Raging Dad

Tongue, Ghandi-like in his passive resistance.

The kids found a garter snake in the backyard yesterday. Actually, they found three. One was captured, and for just under 24 hours, became their pet, named Tongue. While they were common in my native lands of Northern Minnesota, I can’t recall seeing a garter snake in Minneapolis. Obviously, our primary pests were mosquitoes. For those of you wondering if the jokes about mosquitoes being the state bird out there are true, well, they are. Big, nasty bloodsucking shits, they are. Their notable absence from Oregon has been one of the greatest parts of our relocation.

Anyway, the kids found Tongue, and Raging Mom managed to pick him up with a sand shovel and drop him in the kids’ bug catcher. Raging Mom: not so thrilled with snakes. Intending to keep him untouchable while examined, she was unprepared for the kids falling in love with little Tongue. This filthy garter snake, once captured, had captured their hearts himself. Unwilling to allow Tongue into the house to become part of our Raging Household, Raging Mom came up with an idea to call a local nature park and ask if they could bring the slithering thing into their protective environment for liberation. Let my people go, cry the garter snakes!

Thinking this was an excellent opportunity to visit with a park ranger about snakes, Raging Mom was all ready for an educational outing with the kids. Unfortunately, the park ranger on the phone shattered her hopes with long lengths of bureaucratic tape and a healthy dose of bullshit. He wouldn’t do it, saying that they had a policy against “transporting pets.”

“It’s not a pet,” Raging Mom told the simpleton, trying to not get snarky. Her efforts were to no avail. Instead, they took some pictures to remember good ol’ Tongue with, and dumped him in a small wooded area by the park. They found some long grass that was far from a yard, and that looked to be sufficient.

Connie, Tongue, Michael and Sonny.

In the end, it was an excellent educational experience, likely far better than they would have had with a crabby park ranger. On the way, the kids found a dead garter snake on the pavement by the sidewalk. Raging Mom deftly explained to the kids that the developing homes around us have forced the garter snakes out of their existing homes, upsetting their natural habitat. Dried and shriveled on the sidewalk was the evidence of Man. Man’s encroachment into the wild, upsetting the balance of nature and the lives of those who dared tread upon undeveloped, prime real estate.

We may have some budding environmentalists in our brood. Earlier today, Sonny was concerned that we are killing all of the fish because we put gas in our car. This came after seeing footage of an oil spill and talking about oil consumption with Raging Mommy. Inconvenient truths, to be certain. How exciting to be a child in our age.

[Editor's note: I almost had Raging Mom talked into guest posting tonight. She says she'll do it someday. Stay tuned, it will be worth checking out!]