Raging Dad

Raging Sista and Connie with B.J. and Fluffy

Today I took Michael and Connie to the Como Zoo for a private penguin viewing. How did I get this unprecedented clearance, you ask? My Raging Sista, who is a teacher and worked at the zoo this summer, of course. She hooked us up. Sonny was crabby and decided to stay with Raging Mother-in-law, henceforth, Raging MIL (very important to not confuse her with Raging MILF).

We arrived early to the zoo and made our way to the aquatic building. Evidently, the African Black Footed Penguin was once known as the Jackass Penguin, because of its donkey-like bray (this amusing fact was for the adults only). B.J. and Fluffy were ushered out to do their little thing, which they really weren’t into. The highlight was when Michael looked into the penguin habitat, and whispered with great concern, “Daddy. Why is there a human in there?” I wish I would have gotten a picture of the college intern who was chilling in the penguin sanctuary. She looked a little hungover, and like she was on a smoke break. “Michael, that is humanoid lazious internius.” He blinked at me, unamused. Come on buddy, I can’t produce comic gold 100 percent of the time. I didn’t even have coffee in me yet.

After lunch, Raging MIL was jonesing for a trip to Savers for some cheap toys to have at her house. When we walked in to place—which is really nothing more than a garage sale indoors—I had to remind everyone to resist the temptation to purchase garbage. Sure, there might be something great in that house of cast-off knickknacks. But I guarantee you there is a lot of shit in here too. You know these places. As soon as you walk in, a kind of sickness washes over you, and an insane little voice begins whispering in your ear: “You must own this crappy, second-hand toy that likely has traces of fecal matter left on it by poopie hands of days gone by.” That voice. It must be ignored. We left with two bags of treasure, including several of the top tier happy meal toys and a bunch of gently-used superhero figures. A sink full of dish soap later, and they were as good as new.

Anyway, I tried a new tactic for keeping the order with the kids. Time outs are basically worthless in our house now. I need something new, something surprising that’ll keep their attention. I told them that there was a pack of wild dogs out behind Savers, and if they didn’t behave we’d have to go and feed them to the ravenous beasts. I tried to look just serious enough that they’d figure I was lying, except for a little corner of their growing minds that would wonder if I was just crazy enough to do it. They actually did pretty well in there, but I can’t entirely credit their behavior to the pack to my motivator. We’ll have to try it tomorrow.

In other news, Raging Mom woke up with raging strep throat yesterday morning, so we have had to alter a bunch of our plans for seeing Twin Cities friends. Fortunately, it seems that the kids have escaped the malady for now. We have spent the bulk of our time thus far with Raging Mom’s sister’s family (let’s call her Raging Suburban SIL), Raging MIL, and my Raging Sista. Raging Sista and I have always been very close, and it has been simply amazing hanging out with her and her raging husband. Like I said before, she teaches fifth graders math, and they’ve all got it pretty bad.

Two more days in the Twin Cities, and then up to Northern Minnesota for a few days to see Raging Hippie Grandma, my grandparents (Raging Oma and Opa) and my father-in-law, who we shall call Raging Papa.

Raging Sista and Raging Dad